I

can't wait .. for 2008.

catchy, huh?

"Go trig boy ..."

... it's my birthday!

Just knocked off work, now off to Hammersmith Apollo to see "Air" (courtesy of new girlfriend, M - thanks M x). Then a long weekend in Manchester with the siblings. Bring it on ... time to celebrate turning the wrong side of the (mid) 30s. Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllllllllllllllllllllllllsner, please. L8r x

What a super-league Asshole

Alwaleed bin Twat-face.

M*A*S*H .. ed Up

My brain that is. And thankfully I am pleased to say, not sour-mashed up. I have, somehow, through last 3 months been able to avoid, on the whole, booze and intoxicants as a means of escape from my predicament. Thank god I am typing now and not last night. At this point you may want to turn the page .. and don't say I didn't warn you. I don't really have anything to hide mind you - the purpose of this exercise is quite clear at the top of the page. I would be remiss in that intention, if I did not document, at least partly, the savage (in emotional terms) break-down of my life as I have known/ dreamt it for the last 14 years or so. I surprised myself around 0100 last night (err, this morning) with the extent to which frustration, misery, loss, despair and vitriole were pumping around my carotids (brain arteries).

"In vino veritas"? How about "In aegrotatio veritas"? Roughly translating I suppose, as "through sickness, truth". Unfortunately, I succumbed to some bug running round the office/ hospital. I fought it for a week, while others faltered. I REALLY don't want to be sick I said; I feel sorry enough for myself as it is. god knows what I'll be like stewing at home, sick in bed ...

And sure enough, the walls (of sanity?!) came tumbling down around the witching hour, perhaps appropriately. I embarrass myself now just recalling some of the darkest thoughts; real venom for J, not as a person (honest), but for the impact she has had on my life; apathy, about having to start over again; death, I need to write a will; suicide - how fucking self-indulgent is that. Anytime I have read, watched others grappling with this concept I have found it pretty pathetic at worst, uncomfortable at best. Get a fucking life and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

And yet, I scared myself with what seemed like extremely rational consideration of how I could just put myself down, not because I feel sorry for myself, I reason, but because I just can't be arsed with the drudgery any longer. NHS - shite. London - even worse. Finances - (im)material. Closest friends - 1000s of miles away. Family - Great, but can't live my life for me. It's surreal to imagine, and no I am not going to do anything stupid, but perhaps people are actually quite 'rational' once the decision has been made. "right, just go into the kitchen, lock the cats outside, turn on the gas, go to bed - job done". "Step out now, don't wait .. no more complications". Fuck. (is) it really (is) that easy. (Is) Suicide (is) painless? Although, with my luck I'd doubtless f*ck it up and end up in a permanent semi-vegetative state. I say 'semi-', because my worst nightmare is of actually being aware that my mind is trapped inside a broken body.

Clearly this kind of thinking for me, has to be linked in with energy levels. This is not how I usually think. I look for solutions; and mostly positive ones! But I am drained; thoroughly drained of energy; and what little I have appears to be negative. When the fuck is it all going to end. I miss the 'old' Nick. I am in here somewhere, and break out occasionally; Definitely suppressed, as opposed to disappeared. But it's been a long time. I battle on. And after all, it's not all bad. Meeting someone like M certainly help to restore faith in the world around. And offers welcome relief from the battle raging on inside (relief for me anyway, not -unfortunately for you, M, and for that I can only apologise). So one must soldier on; some day this war is gonna end; but for now, and as impatient as I am for 'victory', I guess I will have to just keep concentrating on winning the fire-fights. Just give me the fucking energy .. from somewhere .. someone? Please?

Still. Born. Free.

I feel like I have been handed the sprouting bulb of a rare and most beautiful flower, but been asked to plant and nurture it in no man's land, mid battle.

Cruddy odds, huh? Bummer. Would sure be pretty though, to see that bloom. Nothing like a good challenge to focus the mind.