Nye God kak God
Not a rail against religion, or the supreme being - an expression that translates literally from Russian as, "Not just another year"; or more prosaically, 'well that wasn't just another year'; or perhaps 'it's not going to be just any other year'. Either fit, I suppose. Thank God the year is almost over. Have been counting the weeks (18) and the days (141) to end all association with 2007. A year that promised a lot, then blew up in my face and now stutters over the finishing line.
It's no fun having control over your life wrestled from your grip so unexpectedly, so ruthlessly. Being born into a relatively pampered class in a pampered society, it's really been an eye-opener to experience how poorly equipped one really is to deal with the loss of your locus of control. The "fight or flight" adrenaline-driven response to stressors, rarely has an opportunity to manifest itself, I feel, in modern life. Reflecting on recent months, and December in particular, I think my own "fight" response began to wear off, early December when I realised I would 'make it' to my first emotional safety net - Christmas holiday week in France with my family. The body crumbles and I spend 3 weeks bed and med(s) ridden. Christmas a wash out - in the traditional sense, which for us means all night games, drinking and being merry. (Un)fortunately I was not alone; half the household contracted flu-type symptoms and/ or diarrhoea and vomiting. I am comforted, paradoxically, by the fact that I am not the only one who falls apart the minute the big wheel stops turning.
And of course I didn't think I was the only one with 'issues'. In fact, I have felt pretty self-indulgent these past 5 months, having such a 'high profile' problem to feel sorry about/ receive sympathy for. I really want to be done with the whole business, mentally and physically and sooner rather than later. My biggest hope for 2008. I wish I had something more profound to say to round out year; but its probably appropriate - a shit and ill-considered post to ring out a shit and ill-considered year. 2008 is going to be different. very different. Inshallah.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
I am Nick's relic****
"Hey Mr drug pusher, give me a hit ...or 9", Cedar Ward, Bed X4
STILL ALIVE! Hi all - what a day that was (Dec 12th)! You all know about the 0400 visit to A&E. And that the drugs didn't work. I went back to get stronger ones, where i was referred to ENT (ears, nose, throat) dept. The joy of having a rubber tube camera shoved down your (locally) anaesthetised nose till you gag! [gag factor? 4/10 compared to infamous peptic ulcer endoscopy gag factor 10/10 of 2003!]. Yes Nina and Anna I know .. why can't I just get a normal, non-attention seeking illness. Or even better, not draw attention to the really nasty ones, when I do get them. Good question - I will ask i) God about why I get what I get ii) my analyst why I feel the need to share all the intimate details with y'all! So anyway ...
The consultant decided the tonsils removal operation of 1976 (date? Mum? Dad?) was butchered, literally, due to former primitive technique and had left 'remnant' of tonsil on right side which gets very excited during major infections (did I have flu sat night through to tuesday that kept me in bed for 40hrs exhausted, drowsy, nauseous, feverish, sore throat? that all kind of got overshadowed all of a sudden around midnight tues/ weds) and the remnant tries to do job of all original tissue (... i.e. stump gets REALLY infected .. dragging down tongue, adenoids and anything else near it).
Anyway, Got admitted onto ward at 1600 to have intravenous (IV) fluids and to meet the super heavy weights of pain killer/ antiobiotic world, and by about 7 I was away with the fairies and eating again - still in pain ... but it began to drift .. drift away .. as if by magic .. or toxic soup! Talking and normal throat and voice back by morning .. but with STRICT instructions to take it easy, due to super cocktail of drugs (9 in total*****) that I have had pumped into me and the severity of the infection. Consultant insisted on another week off work, irrespective of a 'normal' feeling throat - he said not surprising you feel ok, the ward would go up in flames if we held a naked flame nearby!
Talking of 'drifting away'; unusual to get the news from ex - J - on same day. She is seeing a guy from .. wait for it ... Friends of the Earth (FoE). "Hahaha! How predictable" - that was the first line of my text reply. I won't be able to get any of you to believe me when i say with absolute conviction that no malice or bitterness was intended. Anyone who knows J will know what I am talking about. I know new guy J; it was hard not to get to know him, what with the two of them being surgically attached to each other since February '07. I don't suspect foul play before we split .. occasional flashes of concern but we've both been there before and would not want to repeat that experience again. In fact, I was even invited in May - with best intentions I believe by Jo to spend more time in her world with her people - on the "Bar Stewards - Snowdon Camping Bank holiday" Trip. This trip included new guy J, and 2 other FoE faces, and as nice as the other 3 were, those 3 days will always count as one of, if not THE lowest (of any relationship) point in my life. To talk about it in more detail deserves (requires?) a blog entry all of its own). In spite of this/ them, the news was immensely cathartic. As was an actual diagnosis, finally of throat problem a full 2yrs after first episode - God Bless the NHS (good pension scheme though!).
Cathartic, due partly to feelings of vindication - I expected news about something involving said chap at some point and in some format - call it instinct (Jo called it paranoia, ouch!). But it does vindicate my thoughts/ speculations/ concerns and anticipations about where things were heading - towards 100% rather than the then 99.5% of Jo's life being consumed by FoE. She can now work all day, which she calls play anyway and not have to worry about any other area of her life being neglected (although didn't feel like you worried too much about that by the final months anyway J, sorry ... ouch!).
"All Roads are Good" - a native american expression on a poster on my new friend M's kitchen wall. Well I hope they are. I believe Jo did me a favour back in August by leaving me - it's taken a while to accept this, but I think the latest news provided the final piece of the jigsaw; a jigsaw which now complete depicts a big line drawn into some soft, golden desert sand (hey it's a jigsaw - it has to be a pretty image to sell right, even if it is only a meta-jig-phor). She may even have done herself a favour as well, finding someone so soon, possibly the only person able/ willing to accept her rampantly militant/ fanatical approach to enviromentalism and complete devotion to Friends of the Earth (which I believe he possibly shares). I feel life needs a little more balance and perspective, but good luck to them. Either way, it's my cue to step back from caring about whether she'll be ok ... she's in her element ...a dream for her; a nightmare for me; intensely so for the first 8 months of this year, a shallow vision of a future nightmare for god knows how many moons previous. So now, with as much clarity as I have had for some time, I pass the baton on ... and am finally allowing myself to drift away.
As an after thought, I figured it might be fun to guage the success/ failure of my relationships based on number of hospitalisations* [*note any implication that this new objective measure is supposed to suggest that said partner caused hospitalisation occurring on their watch is erroneous and pure speculation on the part of the reader!]:
Hospitalisations:
KS - 0
JF - 3** (current episode included because we're still married .. hee hee!!)
** 2003 - Peptic Ulcer
2005 - Throat Ulcer? (Undiagnosed because muppets at Whipps Cross never supplied/ lost results)
2007 - as 2005 (tonsilitis***/ early stage "peritonsilar abcess"?)
*** My kinda luck this year .. to catch tonsilitis 30 yrs after having my tonsils removed!!! 'I'm Nick Seecharan, Get 2007 Outta Here'!!
**** Title shamelessly adapted from Reader's Digest excellent regular health feature growing up: "I am John's"
***** Wanna know what they were, those 9 drugs? No? Ok, go on then: Oramorph, Tramadol, Co-Codamol,
Diclofenac, Benzylpenicillin, Dexamethasone, Omeprazole, Ibuprofen, Difflam Mouth Spray.
"Hey Mr drug pusher, give me a hit ...or 9", Cedar Ward, Bed X4STILL ALIVE! Hi all - what a day that was (Dec 12th)! You all know about the 0400 visit to A&E. And that the drugs didn't work. I went back to get stronger ones, where i was referred to ENT (ears, nose, throat) dept. The joy of having a rubber tube camera shoved down your (locally) anaesthetised nose till you gag! [gag factor? 4/10 compared to infamous peptic ulcer endoscopy gag factor 10/10 of 2003!]. Yes Nina and Anna I know .. why can't I just get a normal, non-attention seeking illness. Or even better, not draw attention to the really nasty ones, when I do get them. Good question - I will ask i) God about why I get what I get ii) my analyst why I feel the need to share all the intimate details with y'all! So anyway ...
The consultant decided the tonsils removal operation of 1976 (date? Mum? Dad?) was butchered, literally, due to former primitive technique and had left 'remnant' of tonsil on right side which gets very excited during major infections (did I have flu sat night through to tuesday that kept me in bed for 40hrs exhausted, drowsy, nauseous, feverish, sore throat? that all kind of got overshadowed all of a sudden around midnight tues/ weds) and the remnant tries to do job of all original tissue (... i.e. stump gets REALLY infected .. dragging down tongue, adenoids and anything else near it).
Anyway, Got admitted onto ward at 1600 to have intravenous (IV) fluids and to meet the super heavy weights of pain killer/ antiobiotic world, and by about 7 I was away with the fairies and eating again - still in pain ... but it began to drift .. drift away .. as if by magic .. or toxic soup! Talking and normal throat and voice back by morning .. but with STRICT instructions to take it easy, due to super cocktail of drugs (9 in total*****) that I have had pumped into me and the severity of the infection. Consultant insisted on another week off work, irrespective of a 'normal' feeling throat - he said not surprising you feel ok, the ward would go up in flames if we held a naked flame nearby!
Talking of 'drifting away'; unusual to get the news from ex - J - on same day. She is seeing a guy from .. wait for it ... Friends of the Earth (FoE). "Hahaha! How predictable" - that was the first line of my text reply. I won't be able to get any of you to believe me when i say with absolute conviction that no malice or bitterness was intended. Anyone who knows J will know what I am talking about. I know new guy J; it was hard not to get to know him, what with the two of them being surgically attached to each other since February '07. I don't suspect foul play before we split .. occasional flashes of concern but we've both been there before and would not want to repeat that experience again. In fact, I was even invited in May - with best intentions I believe by Jo to spend more time in her world with her people - on the "Bar Stewards - Snowdon Camping Bank holiday" Trip. This trip included new guy J, and 2 other FoE faces, and as nice as the other 3 were, those 3 days will always count as one of, if not THE lowest (of any relationship) point in my life. To talk about it in more detail deserves (requires?) a blog entry all of its own). In spite of this/ them, the news was immensely cathartic. As was an actual diagnosis, finally of throat problem a full 2yrs after first episode - God Bless the NHS (good pension scheme though!).
Cathartic, due partly to feelings of vindication - I expected news about something involving said chap at some point and in some format - call it instinct (Jo called it paranoia, ouch!). But it does vindicate my thoughts/ speculations/ concerns and anticipations about where things were heading - towards 100% rather than the then 99.5% of Jo's life being consumed by FoE. She can now work all day, which she calls play anyway and not have to worry about any other area of her life being neglected (although didn't feel like you worried too much about that by the final months anyway J, sorry ... ouch!).
"All Roads are Good" - a native american expression on a poster on my new friend M's kitchen wall. Well I hope they are. I believe Jo did me a favour back in August by leaving me - it's taken a while to accept this, but I think the latest news provided the final piece of the jigsaw; a jigsaw which now complete depicts a big line drawn into some soft, golden desert sand (hey it's a jigsaw - it has to be a pretty image to sell right, even if it is only a meta-jig-phor). She may even have done herself a favour as well, finding someone so soon, possibly the only person able/ willing to accept her rampantly militant/ fanatical approach to enviromentalism and complete devotion to Friends of the Earth (which I believe he possibly shares). I feel life needs a little more balance and perspective, but good luck to them. Either way, it's my cue to step back from caring about whether she'll be ok ... she's in her element ...a dream for her; a nightmare for me; intensely so for the first 8 months of this year, a shallow vision of a future nightmare for god knows how many moons previous. So now, with as much clarity as I have had for some time, I pass the baton on ... and am finally allowing myself to drift away.
As an after thought, I figured it might be fun to guage the success/ failure of my relationships based on number of hospitalisations* [*note any implication that this new objective measure is supposed to suggest that said partner caused hospitalisation occurring on their watch is erroneous and pure speculation on the part of the reader!]:
Hospitalisations:
KS - 0
JF - 3** (current episode included because we're still married .. hee hee!!)
** 2003 - Peptic Ulcer
2005 - Throat Ulcer? (Undiagnosed because muppets at Whipps Cross never supplied/ lost results)
2007 - as 2005 (tonsilitis***/ early stage "peritonsilar abcess"?)
*** My kinda luck this year .. to catch tonsilitis 30 yrs after having my tonsils removed!!! 'I'm Nick Seecharan, Get 2007 Outta Here'!!
**** Title shamelessly adapted from Reader's Digest excellent regular health feature growing up: "I am John's
***** Wanna know what they were, those 9 drugs? No? Ok, go on then: Oramorph, Tramadol, Co-Codamol,
Diclofenac, Benzylpenicillin, Dexamethasone, Omeprazole, Ibuprofen, Difflam Mouth Spray.
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