'Some day this war's gonna end'

Now everbody from the 3-1-3, Put your motherfuckin' hands up and follow me. i am frustrated and upset. i am very frustrated and upset. how on earth did things end up this way. the chosen way of doing things does not appear to have paid dividends. work hard, do the right thing, get the results you are striving for. on balance there is evidence that doing the right thing has not worked out well for me. am i responsible for this, and if yes - how. I have no clarity of thought lately. in almost every dept, I appear to have lost the locus of control to 'external others' and cannot 'think' my way out of it at the moment. I just don't have the energy. scratching my way through my 'daze'. My instinct is to get away from it all, while not entirely being sure what i am getting away from and where i am supposed to go. Does this make me gutless; never having the nerve to strike out 'on my own'. mid-life crisis. mid-life crisis, my arse - this has nothing to do with being 36. I feel sick to the stomach. rough week. when i look at the sum of the cards I'm holding - two stand out; one says "2:1", the other "1st" - those are mine and nothing and no-one can take those away from me - and I have the lord, and my folks to thank for that. A selection of thoughts I jotted down, as a list of things I might raise with a counsellor.

the war will undoubtedly end, I am sure .. the trick will be making sure I end up on the winning side.

'Jubil'-ation ...



... on the Jubilee line tonight? Yes, I suppose, on the one hand - it's not every day you get to experience something totally new ... walking out of an underground train through the driver's cabin, onto the tracks .. then off towards the nearest station (Green Park) along the train tracks. On the other hand, taste the pure irony implied by being stuck on a packed commuter train, underground, about minutes from your work-place .. for TWO and a HALF HOURS! So the day ended as it started - stuck in a long dark tunnel, trapped, with no way out and at the mercy of others. STICK WITH THE VID .. starts slowly but kinda unique .. well, unique if you discount the video and clips taken by pretty much everyone else in the long smelly line .. gotta love the digital age .. real pho-togs must be pulling the teeth out. Hmm deja-vue? gonna have to dig through this blog's archive .. am sure I've written a post like this before. What a day - 'dead man walking' on dismissal watch .. week 6 and counting. Maybe I'm better off in that tunnel.