Murphy ...
not a cruddy irish joke heading your way. Just a reflection on how i feel like murphy's character in cult classic movie Robocop. Like Murphy, I have survived traumas intact (in my case an 'unholy trinity' of emotional/ mental ones). However, in quite a few ways there is barely a flicker of recognition of the life i used to lead. On environmental issues particularly, that life had become quite inflexibly militant; no cars/ full recycling/ composting/ shopping organic/ avoiding supermarkets like the plague/buying or acquiring second hand only/ avoiding use of central heating and 'superfluous' lighting and even, towards the end, limiting the use of water in showers, clothes and dish washing; and storing what water was used to water the garden.
It all felt so normal at the time, but now looks uber extreme with hindsight. It would be easy to apportion the change (the blame?) to pointing out how a household's needs change with a young child in tow. Had I raised F 'from scratch' it might have been easier to 'impose' a certain style of eating, however I didn't and this lad eats supermarket food. I also do not live next to a 24hr fully stocked local store as I used to in London; it might have been easier to train him to be more comfortable in the dark (doubtful though!) and so evenings tend to be a more brightly lit affair than the old days; it might have been easier to educate him on how not to get his clothes so instantly filthy and how to prefer showers to playing with his toys in the bath and not keeping taps running when brushing teeth and helping wash dishes – but I cannot stand guard over him every second of every action. I would never have a moment to myself. And anyway, he's an infant for Christ's sake.
So my eco-principles, as depicted by my ultra environmentally conscious lifestyle with J, have slackened. And on the face of it, slackened somewhat considerably. With the benefit of '20:20' hindsight, I am part appalled; part ashamed by this, knowing that I could try harder to be an agent of change in my new surroundings. And I intend to be. And it will take time. M knows this, and may be quaking in her pretty little shoes (unlike Murphy, I will make sure M has more than 20 seconds to comply?!). However I am also partly embarrassed by how J and I occasionally speculated on why those with children around us were unable to live in a more environmentally friendly way, and how we would do it differently with our own children. While there are numerous examples of 'earth' parenting here in B, I essentially see that viewpoint as quite a luxury - in spite of the relative material hardship due to the constraints we placed on our household. It was 'luxurious' in the scope of its freedom; freedom to think only for oneself; to live for oneself and ones values, absent of the need for pragmatism. Kind of smacks of the freedom enjoyed by indignant teenagers in those precious latter years when they actually believe the world can be changed ... and changed by the power of their own insight and reason.
It felt quite monastic living that way, and I enjoyed knowing that I was able to reject many of the material excesses of our modern western world. It still rankles now every time I take delivery of a internet supermarket shop. I cringe every time I throw away a scrap of food. But how was I to do a family shop, on foot, when from 0430-1930 I am either at work or on a train? How do I impose a monastic lifestyle I quite enjoyed, but which evolved over a decade, on an unsuspecting partner and a 6yr old who doesn't know any other way of life? The answer is I don't want to impose anything on anyone anyway. My approach has always been one of gentle persuasion, in sharp contrast to J's 'sledgehammer to peel a kiwi' style. Living by example was and will continue to be a cornerstone in my approach to sharing the ideas I believe in.
Now, more so than ever, conveying my core belief in environmental issues will require all my powers of persuasion, both in my own home and beyond. My new job requires that our household have a second car. Second?! Having a new partner with one was enough to contend with! Am I to stand firm and wait only for work that I can walk/ cycle/ bus to? Or do I accept my new reality that jobs and the public transport system are not as bountiful anywhere else but London? The latter of course. A man's gotta eat. Agh .. pragmatism over idealism/ principles! that old battle worn dichotomy – contextualised and verbalised for eons by greater minds than mine. My blurred distinction here, linking idealism & principles, may be mine alone. Perhaps because in the world of eco-principles there is clearly an ideal way to live (some might call it an 'idyll' way to live). One can of course have principles without being an idealist. In fact there must surely be more working examples of dangerous/ evil principalists (anyone involved in the Third Reich?) and more harmless pragmatist principalists (your regular humdrum capitalist?) than there are idealist principalists (eco warriors?). I know I have certainly not met many other people like J. Mind you, I haven't met many people complicit in genocide either!
Nevertheless, issues around pragmatism, principles and idealism exist right here, swarming around unresolved in my mind, manifesting themselves as a slight squeamishness every time I have to laugh off the suggestion that my eco-principles died at the same time as my relationship died with J .. (you know who you are, family members!). The – perhaps slightly paranoid – logical follow-on from that assertion is that I lacked conviction (cojones?) of my own, preferring or perhaps having no choice but to live under her sizeable 'mental' thumb-print. Not a view I share, clearly, hence my attempt here to provide an explanation of both cause and effect.
God you really have to be opinionated to try and make a coherent point on paper, don't you. I tend to wrap myself up in circles even on paper so imagine how this stuff sounds in my head! My point? I seem to have given the impression that principles I spent a decade developing have vanished 'overnight'. This impression is going to continue to be compounded by the realities of my new family life in the provinces, and my decision to approach these demands in a pragmatic fashion. In my circumstances it would be incredibly discordant to expect or even to wish to impose a way of life (sic. set of values) onto not only one, but two people, especially when one is quite literally in a state of developmental infancy. I am uncomfortable in many respects but feel no shame in saying that I am here for love and happiness first – a metaphorical house that has not been in order for some considerable time. Again, the pragmatist's view – something has had to give while this 'house' is put in order. 'Ideally', 2009 will be a year when I can start to 'cultivate the garden' too ...
